The Patriarchal Grip of Mormon Marriage

by Troy Williams

Mormons are at it again.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is aggressively mobilizing their members to outlaw gay marriage in California.  They are pouring millions of dollars into Proposition 8 to “protect the sanctity of marriage”.  Really?  This again?  How ironic for a Church that still marries multiple women to men in heaven.  And since they are so determined to condemn our relationships, I think turnabout is only fair play.  It’s time to call out the Mormon temple marriage for what it really is; the ritualistic humiliation of women.  It is a ceremony we queers would never want to emulate.

Having been born LDS (and believe me, that was definitely not a choice) I was indoctrinated my entire life to be morally “worthy” so I could enter the temple. Marriage in the temple is the ultimate goal for all Latter-day Saints.

Mormons believe that their family can only be together in heaven through temple rituals. That’s how my parents and siblings were all married. Church founder, Joseph Smith was given the “Keys of Elijah” to seal wives to husbands back in 1836 in the first LDS temple in Kirkland, Ohio.  Yes, the actual angel Elijah from the Old Testament literally appeared to Joseph and gave him the power to marry people for all eternity. Replicating Old Testament patriarchs, Joseph sealed over forty women to himself, and called it, “celestial marriage”.   

In 1842, Smith was initiated into the fraternal order of Masons in Nauvoo, Illinois. He received further revelations that the Masonic rituals were really an apostate version of the true endowment that Jehovah gave to Adam in the Garden of Eden (located in neighboring Missouri).  Joseph adapted the Masonic rituals into his own ceremony. After his murder in Carthage, Illinois, Brigham Young led the Saints west to Utah, where he formalized the temple rites and made them available to all worthy Saints. 

And though there have been modifications over the years, the key elements of the ceremony remain.  Initiates re-enact the myth of Adam and Eve.  They are cast out of Paradise.  They are taught by angels who reveal a series of secret handshakes that allow them to progress back into the presence of god.  The temple is also where newlyweds are sealed together for “time and all eternity”. 

Mormons believe the only path to exaltation is through marriage.  As a woman prepares to enter “the Celestial Room” (which symbolically represents the Celestial Kingdom, the highest level heaven), she approaches a veil where “god” sticks his hand through and tests her knowledge of the secret handshakes.  If she passes, she is pulled through the veil and into the celestial heavens.  But here’s the thing. When a woman marries, it’s actually her husband who goes behind the veil.  He plays the role of god by placing his hand through to test his wife.   As “god”, he effectively controls his wife’s access into heaven. When my mother and sister went through the temple they raised their hand to the square and covenanted to “obey the law of your husband”.  They bowed their head and said “yes”.  Over the marriage altar, the husband grabs his wife’s forearm in what is called the  “the patriarchal grip”.  The same “grip” is used when the husband/god pulls his wife through the veil. All first time initiates are given a “new name”.  Mine was Elijah. I thought it was cool at the time.  Men are forbidden to reveal their new name to their wives.  The wife, however, must surrender her name to her god/husband at the veil.  This is how he will call her forth on the “first morning of the resurrection” to take her into heaven.

Temple marriage is a symbolic humiliation of both men and women. It falsely inflates the male ego to supposed godhood while women remain subservient helpmeets. Queers should be eternally grateful to be cast out of their cult of infinite marriage.  Being gay saved our souls. 

Mormons can keep their creepy rituals for themselves.  We’re not interested! 

The Church is in no position of moral superiority to dictate what is “sacred”. Their pro-family rhetoric should be laughed out of the public sphere.  What Mormons call “traditional marriage” I call patriarchal submission. The temple ceremony is an insult to all women. I know many LDS wives will disagree.  They will argue passionately that they feel liberated in their temple marriages.  But underneath their testimony and tears, they each know they have been ritualistically humiliated in their wedding ceremony.  They made their husbands their god.   On some deep psychological level, this shadows every aspect of their relationship.  No wonder Mormon women abuse their Prozac.

And further, Mormons worship a a god who values obedience and patriarchal compliance above all. And as well as homophobic, the Mormon god is also racist. When it was fashionable, the apostles of this false god also denounced inter-racial marriage.   Up through the 60’s the Church frequently declared that it was contrary to revealed doctrine for the seed of Cain to mix his seed with the white race. How times (and doctrine) can so quickly change.    

Queer relationships are radical.  We disrupt the old rules and enrage the old gods. As we should.  We must never allow fundamentalists to shame us.  We must never allow them to take away our civil liberties.  We must categorically reject their lies about our lifestyle.  They are projecting their own deviant perversions onto us. I’ve had enough of Mormons who scapegoat the gays and blame us for the corruption of society. If heterosexual marriages are collapsing then blame heterosexuals!  Don’t lay your relationship failures at our feet. We live in the 21st Century.  We will no longer be subject to the homophobic tyranny of your imaginary god. It’s time for us all to get loud.  Come out to your friends and family. Get involved politically. Stand up and demand equality.  Never allow religious cults to strip away your dignity.  Let's stand together and protect the right of every queer to live free and to freely love. NO ON 8!

Comments

[J&HP]

Troy,

I'm sorry you feel this way. I have thoughtfully attended the temple many, many times, and though I've had some of the same thoughts as you, I've concluded otherwise. The temple ceremonies and the teachings of the apostles make it clear, at least to me, that husband and wife are equals. That can seem confusing to me at times, but I know that it's true.

[Jenni]

As a former Mormon, I can’t see how anyone could interpret Mormon marriage as a marriage of equals. It’s one of the main things that helped me to leave the church. I didn’t find the idea of being part of a harem of females producing countless spirit babies for eternity that would populate the planets that my (shared) husband was going to get create to be a pleasant way to spend the after-life. His role for eternity sounded a lot more enjoyable.

The Mormon Church was always very careful to give us females the bad news couched in praise — we couldn’t have the priesthood because we were more spiritual than males, and males needed the priesthood to teach them to be more spiritual. Or: the reason that there is polygyny in the celestial kingdom is because women are more spiritual and live more worthy lives so more females make it to the celestial kingdom than males, and since you have to be married in the celestial kingdon . . .etc.

[The Apostate Zone Leader]

What actually goes on in the Celestial Kingdom on a day-to-day basis? It must take a lot of time to produce enough spirits to populate one's own world.

Maybe I'll ask at the LDS website. I see I can click to live-chat to a missionary. Let me just rig up my web-cam and I'll be ready to start working out my salvation online.

[Troy]

ah, Elder Wallis. I've missed you. And the idea of a live-chat between you and a missionary at LDS.com just makes me giddy. Please save and post the transcript. But be gentle. They don't know anything about their religion.

[Ulysse]

I'm not a Mormon (neither by choice nor destiny), I don't live in the Chosen Land (USA) which is a double serving of good luck -- 'chance' in French. Reading Genesis, I presume that you wanted to name Ham (or Cham), not Cain (who murdered his brother). Ham, the son of antediluvian Noah, saw his father's prick and balls when his old man was dead drunk. It didn't make him gay -- his father was over 500 years old... But following this indiscretion, Noah cursed Cham's seed (Canaan); they were to become servants to his other descendants and became the first 'Africans'.
The Jewish, Christianist and Mormonist Jehovah is indeed a homophobic, racist god. That's why he is so popular amongst pious people who select specific passages of the holy book to feed their aversion against those who differ in race, opinion and disposition.
Troy, I love you and your blog! Especially when you write about world changing.

[Jen]

Thank you for this, I now understand why it is that my ex (mormon raised) husband expected me to bow down and treat him like he was my God, I was/am never to question his judgment or even notice when he did/does something he shouldn't be doing, just pretend that he isn't doing it... He now labels himself an atheist but apparently this indoctrination is still part of his wiring.

This silliness can't last forever, even if the prop doesn't pass this time, eventually you will have equal rights to respect, dignity and the right to make your union legal, just be thankful you are not them, can you imagine living in the world as they see it, full of fear and hate, they have to look forward to the afterlife because they are already living in hell

[silversteak]

Religion is a terrible thing to do to a little kid, especially girl children.

[silversteak]

What the heck is "potential comment spam"? Sounds like an excuse to not publish something because you don[t agree with it. In fact, I'm sure of it.

[Brianne]

My "new name" given in the temple was Jethro. I'm transgendered and not allowed to enter the temple ever again (if I wanted to). The LDS faith is never about equality, because I am only "worthy" to go to this temple as a man. Apparantly my penis is the only part of me that was worthy of the priesthood, or "sacred" temple covenants...

[Eli'jah]

Three religions: Judaism, Christianity and Islamism, joined in only one voice. The God's voice at internet: www.overbo.uni5.net
Zac. 4.6-10

Tres religioes: Judaismo, Cristianismo e Islam, unidas em uma só voz. A voz de Deuz na internet: www.overbo.uni5.net
Zac. 4.6-10

Tres religiones: Judaísmo, Cristianismo e Islam, unidas en una sola voz. La voz de Dios en internet:
www.overbo.uni5.net
Zac. 4.6-10

[Zach]

Let's add a few things to your story that are somewhat important to recognize. Perhaps we can start out with how us men are taught to treat our women with nothing but respect, without Eve and our wives none of us would be here today. Women are our Queens and priestesses, our goddess. Maybe add the part that teaches us men to do Everything in our power to provide for our wives and children for time and eternity. The minute I treat my wife as less then myself or disrespect her in any way at all, I lose my privilege to hold and administer my priesthood calling. Oh how about including the fact that not only do our women have to be pulled through the veil but the men have to go through the same thing and have to give our true name. This part of the ceremony is not meant to make either of us feel any more or less then what we are. It is meant to show us that through living good lives and doing what we believe to be right we will one day have the chance to pass through the veil and enter the kingdom of our Heavenly Father. We hold our wives and daughters in the highest regard and to say anything other then that is nothing more then a joke. You know the most amusing part of "Mormon Bashing" it's those groups and stereotypes that usually get "bashed" that do the most "bashing" against us. You assume we're all against gay marriage or rights. Think again. Let me ask you this, Do you believe that being Homosexual will keep you from entering into his Glory? I would assume you think that is nonsense and that you have just as much chance as a straight person. Well, I'm Mormon and I agree with you, scary isn't it. Honestly though, you're judged by your heart and the actions your heart leads you to take. I think we both agree your heart is in the right place and you are doing what you feel is right. I am not Heavenly Father, I have no right to judge you nor would I ever want to. Regardless of either of our choices in life, we are all brothers and sisters, We are all sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Thanks to him all of this hatred, bigotry, and plain evil treatment of each other will come to an end and we can all finally be happy and loved as we should be. Allow me to close by saying that Mormons did NOT and do NOT claim to have invented, created or any other word you want to use, any of the practices that go on in our temples. What we do is taken straight from the Old Testament of the bible. These things were practiced before the time of Jesus, they were practiced in King Solomons Temple. These temple actions are believed to be correct by Islam, Christianity and Judaism. Do they all agree that Mormons should be the only ones performing them, probably not. I don't feel there is one true religion in the usual way it's thought of. I believe everybody has their own true religion, for me it's being a Mormon. I feel that a persons true religion can be anything that brings YOU closer to Heavenly Father and provides YOU with a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Anyway, thank you for giving me the time to express my feelings and thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I truly do respect you and will continue to think of you as my brother Troy.

Oops, before I forget, I have MS so sometimes it's hard to spell words the right way, or even put my thoughts into a flowing and cohesive format so please forgive me if I did spell things wrong or word things wrong.